Virginia Custody Cases: What to Do and What Not to Do — A Richmond Family Law Attorney Explains
If you are in the middle of a custody case, or about to start one, you are probably feeling a mix of fear, anger, and exhaustion. Those feelings are completely understandable. Custody cases are among the most emotionally charged legal matters a person can face. But how you conduct yourself during this process can have a significant impact on the outcome. Virginia judges take a careful look at each parent's behavior, attitude, and decision-making when determining what custody arrangement serves the child's best interests.
Drawing on my years of experience representing families in the Greater Richmond area, I have seen parents win and lose cases because of their own actions. The good news is that most mistakes are avoidable. Here is what I tell my clients from day one.
The Standard Virginia Courts Apply
Before we get into the dos and don'ts, it helps to understand what Virginia courts are actually looking for. Under Virginia Code § 20-124.3, judges must consider a list of factors when deciding custody, including:
The age and physical and mental condition of the child
The age and physical and mental condition of each parent
The relationship existing between each parent and each child
The needs of the child
Each parent's role in the upbringing and care of the child
Each parent's propensity to actively support the child's relationship with the other parent
Any history of family abuse, sexual abuse, or child abuse
Virginia judges want to see parents who support the child's relationship with the other parent. A parent who undermines, badmouths, or attempts to alienate the other parent is not making a good impression on the court. Keep that in mind as you read through the list below.
DON'T Trash the Other Parent on Social Media
This is the mistake I see most often, and it is one of the most damaging. When you are hurt and angry, it is tempting to post about what the other parent did or didn't do. Resist that urge entirely.
Virginia courts regularly see screenshots of social media posts introduced as evidence. What you write on Facebook, Instagram, or even in a text message to a mutual friend can end up in front of a judge. Posts that are angry, accusatory, or disparaging toward the other parent suggest that you are not capable of putting your child's needs first, and that is exactly the opposite of what you want to convey.
The rule: If you wouldn't want a judge to read it, don't write it. Better yet, consider stepping back from social media altogether while your case is pending.
DO Keep a Detailed Journal
From the moment you know a custody case is likely, start keeping a written log. Note dates, times, and descriptions of any significant events, missed visitation, late pickups, concerning statements your child made, or any interactions with the other parent that felt hostile or inappropriate.
This journal becomes invaluable if there are disputes about what happened and when. Courts respond to specific, documented facts. "The other parent was late picking up the children three times in October" is far more persuasive than "He's always late" or "She's always late." Your journal helps you tell that specific story.
DON'T Use Your Child as a Messenger
It is not appropriate when a parent uses a child to relay messages to the other parent. Sending your eight-year-old to deliver information about schedule changes, child support, or your feelings about the other parent puts your child in an uncomfortable and inappropriate position.
Children internalize conflict. When a child is caught between two parents, the emotional toll can be significant, and that toll does not go unnoticed by judges, guardians ad litem, or evaluators.
Communicate directly with the other parent. If direct communication is difficult or contentious, consider using a co-parenting app like TalkingParents or OurFamilyWizard, which create a documented record of all exchanges.
DO Follow All Court Orders — Even the Ones You Disagree With
If there is a temporary custody order in place while your case is pending, follow it. Even if you think the order is unfair. Even if the other parent isn't following it to the letter.
Nothing undermines a parent's credibility faster than willfully ignoring a court order. Virginia judges consider which parent complied and which parent didn't. If you believe an order is wrong, the appropriate response is to bring it to your attorney's attention and address it through proper legal channels.
DON'T Let Your Love Life Derail Your Custody Case
Bringing a new romantic partner into your child's life during an active custody case is rarely a good idea. It can inflame tensions with the other parent, raise questions in the judge’s mind about your priorities, and add an unnecessary variable to an already complicated situation.
Every case is different, but as a general rule, I strongly advise clients to put new romantic relationships on hold while a custody case is pending. If you are already in a relationship, keep it entirely separate from your children and your home. Do not move in with a new partner, and do not allow a new partner to move into a home where your children will be spending time. Virginia judges pay close attention to the stability of each parent's home environment, and introducing a new romantic partner, especially one who is living in the home, can raise serious questions about your judgment and your priorities.
The custody case will not last forever. New relationships can wait.
DO Prioritize Your Child's Relationship with the Other Parent
Over the years, my clients have been my best teachers. One client told me that despite the end of her marriage, her estranged husband was an excellent father. Another told me that her former husband, whatever their differences, was an excellent provider for their children. These women, who had every reason to be angry, chose instead to recognize and promote the good in the fathers of their children. That kind of grace is not weakness. It is exactly what Virginia courts are looking for, and more importantly, it is what children need.
Virginia courts look closely at which parent is more likely to support a healthy relationship between the child and the other parent. This factor can be the deciding one when everything else is roughly equal. That means encouraging your child to call the other parent, supporting visits even when it's inconvenient, and refraining from making negative comments, even subtle ones. Children pick up on more than adults realize, and so do guardians ad litem.
If you want to understand more about how your day-to-day co-parenting choices affect your child and your case, I encourage you to read How Your Co-Parenting Choices Shape Your Child's Future.
DON'T Make Unilateral Decisions About Your Child
While your case is pending, avoid making major decisions about your child without consulting the other parent or your attorney. Enrolling your child in a new school, scheduling surgery, or relocating are decisions that can have serious legal consequences if made unilaterally during an active custody proceeding.
When in doubt, ask your attorney before acting.
DO Be Honest with Your Attorney
I cannot represent you effectively if I don't know the full picture. If there are things in your past such as a criminal history, substance use, mental health treatment, or a prior CPS investigation, tell me. I have heard it all, and I am not here to judge you. What I need is the truth so I can prepare the strongest possible case on your behalf.
Surprises in the courtroom are almost always bad surprises.
DO Take Care of Yourself
This may seem out of place in a legal dos and don'ts list, but it belongs here. Custody cases are long and emotionally draining, and you cannot show up as the parent or the client that you need to be if you are running on empty.
Make rest a priority. Exercise, even a short walk outside for some fresh air, can do more for your mental clarity than you might expect. If you are not already working with a therapist or counselor, this is a good time to start. Massage, journaling, quiet time, whatever helps you decompress and reset, make space for it. Taking care of yourself is not a luxury during a custody case. It is a necessity.
A Word About Patience
Custody cases in Virginia's Juvenile and Domestic Relations Court can take months. The process can feel agonizingly slow, especially when you feel your child's wellbeing is at stake. But courts move at their own pace, and how you conduct yourself during that time matters.
If circumstances change significantly after your case is over, you may have grounds to modify your custody order down the road. And if you have broader questions about how custody and visitation work in Virginia, I have answered many of the most common ones in Richmond, VA Family Law: Your Questions About Custody and Visitation Answered.
Drawing on my years of experience representing families, I am here to help you navigate your custody case with clarity, strategy, and compassion. If you are facing a custody matter in Chesterfield, Henrico, Richmond, or the surrounding communities, I would be honored to help you understand your rights and build the strongest possible case for your family.
Frequently Asked Questions About Virginia Custody Cases
Can a Virginia judge see my social media posts? Yes. Social media posts, direct messages, and even text messages can be introduced as evidence in a Virginia custody case. Screenshots and anything posted publicly is fair game. A good rule of thumb: assume everything you post online could be read aloud in court.
What factors does a Virginia judge consider when deciding custody? Virginia Code § 20-124.3 lists the factors judges must consider, including the child's age and health, each parent's role in caregiving, each parent's willingness to support the child's relationship with the other parent, and any history of abuse. There is no single deciding factor, judges weigh all of them together based on the specific facts of each case.
Does Virginia favor mothers over fathers in custody cases? No. Virginia law does not give preference to either parent based on gender. Judges are required to decide custody based solely on the best interests of the child. Mothers and fathers stand on equal footing before the court.
What is a guardian ad litem and will my child have one? A guardian ad litem (GAL) is a court-appointed attorney who represents your child's best interests, not yours or the other parent's. Not every custody case involves a GAL, but judges often appoint one in cases involving allegations of abuse, high conflict between parents, or other concerns about the child's welfare. You can learn more in my post Understanding the Guardian Ad Litem: Your Child's Voice in Virginia Custody Cases.
What happens if the other parent violates a custody order in Virginia? If the other parent is not complying with a court-ordered custody or visitation schedule, you may file a motion to enforce the order with the court. Depending on the circumstances, the court may hold the non-compliant parent in contempt, modify the custody arrangement, or take other action. Document every violation in writing, including dates and details, and contact your attorney promptly.
Can custody arrangements be changed after a final order is entered? Yes. Virginia courts can modify a custody order if there has been a material change in circumstances since the order was entered and the modification would be in the child's best interests. Common reasons for modification include a parent relocating, a significant change in a parent's work schedule, or concerns about the child's safety or wellbeing. Read more about when modification may be appropriate in 5 Signs It's Time to Modify Your Child Custody Order in Virginia.
Connie Clay brings decades of legal experience helping families to her Virginia family law practice. She serves clients in Richmond, Henrico, Chesterfield, and surrounding communities. Excellence, integrity, and compassion is not just a tagline — it is Connie's commitment to every client, every case.
