Holiday Custody Schedules: Making the Season Work for Your Family
The holiday season should be a time of joy and celebration for children, but for separated or divorced parents, it can become a source of stress and conflict. As a family law attorney serving the Greater Richmond area, I know how thoughtful planning and flexibility can transform potentially contentious situations into opportunities for children to build meaningful memories with both parents.
Understanding Holiday Provisions in Virginia Custody Orders
Most custody orders in Virginia include specific provisions for how holidays will be divided between parents. Courts recognize that holidays are important family times, and they typically alternate major holidays between parents from year to year. This might mean Mom has Thanksgiving in odd years while Dad has it in even years, with Christmas rotating on the opposite schedule.
Common holidays addressed in custody orders include:
Thanksgiving (often including the extended school break)
Christmas Eve and Christmas Day
New Year's Eve and New Year's Day
Spring Break
Easter or Passover
Memorial Day, July 4th, and Labor Day
Halloween
The child's birthday
Each parent's birthday
Holiday time typically takes priority over the regular custody schedule, meaning that if it's Dad's Christmas in an even year, he gets that time even if Christmas falls during Mom's regular weekend.
Protecting Your Child's Holiday Memories
Your child's holiday memories are being formed right now, during these years of separation and transition. One of the greatest gifts you can give your child is the ability to enjoy the holidays without being caught in the middle of parental conflict.
This means making a conscious choice not to argue with the other parent in front of your child, not to interrogate your child about what happened at the other parent's home, and not to make disparaging comments about how the other parent celebrates or doesn't celebrate certain holidays. When your child is packing to leave for the other parent's holiday time, your attitude and words set the tone. A child who leaves feeling guilty or anxious about going can't fully enjoy the experience.
Years from now, your children won't remember who had them for exactly which hours on which holidays. But your child will remember the feeling of peace or tension that surrounded those transitions. Choose to give your child memories of parents who, despite their differences, managed to put the child's happiness first.
When Parents Have Different Faith Backgrounds
One of the most gracious things parents can do is recognize and support the child's relationship with the other parent's faith traditions, especially when those traditions differ from their own. If you don't celebrate Christmas because it's not part of your faith tradition, consider the gift you give your child by allowing him or her to spend that holiday with the parent who does celebrate it.
This principle works across all faith backgrounds. If one parent is Jewish and celebrates Hanukkah and Passover while the other parent is Christian, the child benefits enormously when each parent supports the other's ability to share their traditions. A parent who doesn't observe Ramadan might readily agree that the child should be with the Muslim parent for Eid celebrations.
Supporting your child's connection to both parents' faith traditions isn't about compromising your own beliefs. It's about recognizing that your child has the right to know and experience both sides of his or her heritage. Children raised with an understanding and respect for multiple faith traditions often develop greater cultural awareness and flexibility.
More practically, insisting on having your child during a holiday you don't celebrate can create unnecessary conflict and may not serve your child's best interests. Courts generally look favorably on parents who demonstrate flexibility and a willingness to support the child's relationship with the other parent, including the child's religious and cultural upbringing.
Creating a Workable Holiday Schedule
The best holiday schedules are clear, specific, and realistic. Here are key considerations:
Be Specific About Times Don't just say "Christmas." Specify whether that means Christmas Eve at 6 PM through Christmas Day at 6 PM, or some other arrangement. Ambiguity leads to disputes.
Consider Travel Logistics If extended family lives out of state, build in enough time for travel. A parent who gets Christmas Day from 8 AM to 8 PM may not have enough time to visit grandparents three hours away.
Think About the Child's Age Young children may do better with shorter exchanges and more frequent contact with both parents. Teenagers might prefer longer blocks of time and may have their own activities and friend commitments during holidays.
Plan for Multi-Day Holidays Thanksgiving typically includes a four-day weekend. Will one parent get the entire break, or will you split it? There's no single right answer, but you need to decide and put it in writing.
Address Religious Holidays Specifically If your family observes holidays beyond the typical American calendar (Diwali, Lunar New Year, Yom Kippur, etc.), make sure these are specifically included in your custody order.
When Holiday Plans Go Wrong
Even the best-drafted custody orders can't anticipate every situation. Here's what to do when problems arise:
Communicate Early If you know there's a potential conflict or need to request a change, reach out to the other parent as soon as possible. Last-minute requests are much harder to accommodate.
Document Everything If the other parent isn't following the holiday schedule or refuses reasonable requests, document the communication. Save texts, emails, and notes about phone conversations.
Use Your Order as a Guide Your custody order is a court order. Both parents are required to follow it. If someone isn't complying, that's a legal issue.
Consider Mediation First Before heading back to court, consider whether a mutual friend, mediator or parenting coordinator might help resolve the dispute. Court should be a last resort.
Know When to Involve Your Attorney If the other parent repeatedly violates the holiday schedule or if you need to modify the order because circumstances have changed, it's time to consult with a family law attorney.
Practical Tips for Reducing Holiday Conflict
Create Traditions for Your Time Rather than competing with the other parent, develop special traditions for the holidays you have with your child. This helps your child look forward to time with each parent.
Be Flexible When Possible Rigidity breeds resentment. If the other parent asks to swap a holiday for a legitimate reason, consider saying yes. The other parent is more likely to accommodate you when you need flexibility.
Focus on Your Child Before digging in your heels about a holiday, ask yourself: Am I doing this because it's truly best for my child, or because I want to "win" against the other parent? Your child's wellbeing and holiday memories should guide every decision.
Plan Ahead Start discussing holidays as early as possible. Don't wait until December 20th to figure out Christmas.
Consider the Extended Family Grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins are part of your child's life too. A workable holiday schedule allows time with extended family on both sides.
Sample Holiday Schedule Language
If you're drafting a custody agreement or modification, here's an example of clear, specific language:
"The parties shall alternate the Thanksgiving holiday in each year, with Mother having the holiday in odd-numbered years and Father having the holiday in even-numbered years. The Thanksgiving holiday shall begin the day school is dismissed for the holiday break and end at 6:00 PM on the Sunday following Thanksgiving."
"The Christmas holiday shall be divided as follows: In odd-numbered years, Mother shall have the child from December 23 at 2:00 PM through December 25 at 2:00 PM, and Father shall have the child from December 25 at 2:00 PM through December 27 at 6:00 PM. In even-numbered years, this schedule shall be reversed."
The key is being specific enough that there's no room for misinterpretation.
Moving Forward
Holiday custody schedules don't have to be a source of annual stress. With clear planning, mutual respect, and a genuine focus on what's best for your children, you can create a framework that allows your children to enjoy meaningful holiday celebrations with both parents.
Remember that the goal isn't perfect equality in hours—it's giving your child the opportunity to build lasting memories and maintain strong relationships with both sides of the family. Sometimes that means letting go of a particular day because you know it matters more to the other parent or because it's part of a faith tradition you don't personally observe.
If you're struggling with holiday custody arrangements or need to modify an existing order, I'm here to help. As a family law attorney serving the Greater Richmond area, I work with parents to create practical, enforceable custody arrangements that prioritize children's wellbeing.
The holidays can be complicated, but they don't have to be contentious. With the right approach and the right legal guidance, you can create a holiday schedule that works for your family.
If you have questions about custody arrangements or need assistance with a family law matter in the Richmond area, contact Clay Law at 804.238.7737 for a consultation.
